"Happy Mammorial day! It's high time boobs got the respect they deserve.., Wha? 'Memorial' you say? Hmmm.., Well, boobs should still get a day of their own. They are awesome." -Scott Smith

"When you start to look at breasts as fun-bags instead of feed-bags; you're on your way to becoming a man." -Scott Smith

"Nobody listens to me yet, I am always right." -Scott Smith

"Gourds are pointless unless you're a caveman." -Scott Smith

"Make amends, don't apologize." -Scott Smith

"Thin Mints are just overpriced, repackaged Grasshoppers. Those Girl Scouts are fucking rip-off artists. Keebler should sue. " -Scott Smith

"Bachelor time saving tip #17: To make it easier for your girlfriend to clean up, Rain-X your toilet and the surrounding area." -Scott Smith

"Never underestimate the entertainment value of alcohol.., never!" -Scott Smith

"If you build in a wash; your house is going to wash away." -Scott Smith

"Some days you just have to tell the bitch to 'fuck-off'." -Scott Smith

"There are few actual gentlemen inside of a gentleman's club." -Scott Smith

"Granola needs to come with a warning on the package or, at least be sold in burlap sacks labeled 'Hippie Chow'. I mean; what am I, a chipmunk?" -Scott Smith

"If a religious nut gets elected president; I hope their religion is Voodoo. I mean, who's going to fuck with a country powered by Voodoo." -Scott Smith

"If you dye your hair red; does that make you transgingered?" -Scott Smith

"Strawberry." -Scott Smith

"I'll have an amyl acetate, amyl butyrate, amyl valerate, anethol, anisyl formate, benzyl acetate, benzyl isobutyrate, butyric acid, cinnamyl isobutyrate, cinnamyl valerate, cognac essential oil, diacetyl, dipropyl ketone, ethyl acetate, ethyl amyl ketone, ethyl butyrate, ethyl cinnamate, ethyl heptanoate, ethyl heptylate, ethyl lactate, ethyl methylphenylglycidate, ethyl nitrate, ethyl propionate, ethyl valerate, heliotropin, hydroxyphenyl-2-butanone, a-ionone, isobutyl anthranilate, isobutyl butyrate, lemon essential oil, maltol, 4-methylacetophenone, methyl anthranilate, methyl benzoate, methyl cinnamate, methyl heptine carbonate, methyl naphthyl ketone, methyl salicylate, mint essential oil, neroli essential oil, nerolin, neryl isobutyrate, orris butter, phenethyl alcohol, rose, rum ether, g-undecalactone, vanillin, and solvent shake, hold the whipped cream." -Scott Smith

"Ultra-violence has always worked for me in these situations." -Scott Smith

"If anyone can fail at failure, it's me." -Scott Smith

"Maybe Rosey Grier didn't kill RFK. Ray Milland could have had control of the body that day." -Scott Smith

"If it's neither here nor there; where the fuck is it then?" -Scott Smith

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"It's not the pants that you wear, it's the ass that you put them over." -Scott Smith

"Wednesday is named after Odin. That's why it's the tallest day." -Scott Smith

"I dunno. I have kind of this reclusive pseudo-artist™ thing goin' on. If I make too many public appearances, I won't be reclusive anymore and, people will stop taking my pseudo-art™ pseudo-seriously." -Scott Smith

"If your only proof is faith, you really don't have any proof at all." -Scott Smith