"If you only have 2 jelly beans and, you drop one, it can be upsetting. If you have a whole handful of jelly beans and, some sombrero wearing, shotgun wielding drunk mows down a few, it shouldn't matter because you've got plenty more." - Scott Smith

"The clap doesn't sound anything like you think it should. If you are hearing any strange noises from you crotch; Play it safe, go see a doctor." - Scott Smith

"An aide is just a glorified assistant." - Scott Smith

"Who gives a blind guy a sword anyway?" - Scott Smith

"Just because I agreed to it, doesn't mean that I agree with it." - Scott Smith

"I'm not being condescending, you're just a moron." - Scott Smith

"I try not to talk down to people, unless they're really short." - Scott Smith

"A 'No Fat Chicks' shirt pisses off the skinny ones too." - Scott Smith

"It is funny when it happens to me, it's just not funny to me." - Scott Smith

"Knowing the difference between 'right' and 'wrong' is the easy part." - Scott Smith