"I have an idea for a business leasing puppies to single guys to help them get chicks. I'm going to have to do something with the pupppies once they grow up in to dogs though. So, if anybody knows where there's a building for lease next to a Vietnamese restaurant, hit me up." -Scott Smith

"Keep your gravy off of my breakfast!" -Scott Smith

"Why won't my pickle seeds grow?" -Scott Smith

"Ketchup should only be used on slow foods." -Scott Smith

"That's like cherries and almonds good!" -Scott Smith

"Church would be more popular if they weren't so stingy with the wine and crackers." -Scott Smith

"Spaghetti is just Italian nachos." -Scott Smith

"Nachos are just Mexican spaghetti." -Scott Smith

"Meh, I'd be a lot more worried if her nipples tasted like pepperoni." -Scott Smith

"Don't eat peppers if you can't handle pooping them out." -Scott Smith

"Don't use margarine when you have butter." -Scott Smith

"I bet bakers fuck up every recipe that calls for 12 of anything." -Scott Smith

"The lime won't fit in the coconut. Maybe I should juice it first." -Scott Smith

"The tacos are great.., if you like horse meat." -Scott Smith

"*Don't eat the red ones. Unless it's OK to eat the red ones. In that case, knock yourself out. Unless you ate the red ones, those might be what knocks you out." -Scott Smith

"I'm not made of peanut butter!" -Scott Smith

"Raise 'em however you want; this box of grapes is still stale as fuck." -Scott Smith

"Well, if you deep fried the baby, of course I would eat it." -Scott Smith

"Who's a person have to fuck to get a danish in this place? I hope she's Danish, them bitches is hot!" -Scott Smith

"Fun on a bun doesn't taste as good as turkey or ham." -Scott Smith