"It's amazing how easy it can be when you don't give a shit." - Scott Smith

"Seriously Canada, what do you want from me?" - Scott Smith

"Sometimes you have to eat with the spoon already in your hand." - Scott Smith

"Complicated things are hard to do." - Scott Smith

"What I want, I don't have. What I have, I don't want. This is why I drink." - Scott Smith

"Don't ask me a question if you're going to get mad at my answer." - Scott Smith

"Hey Canada, your poutine sucks!" - Scott Smith

"Complainin's good for maintainin'." - Scott Smith

"Do Bigfoots call people 'Smallfoots'?" - Scott Smith

"Those with carpet have fewer rugs." - Scott Smith

"Unemployed people never get a vacation." - Scott Smith

"Winter is the planet's waiting room." - Scott Smith

"Fuck Nebraska, right in the corn-hole." - Scott Smith

"They should call jet skis 'boatercycles'." - Scott Smith

"I'm psychic, that's how." - Scott Smith

"And now a brief respite from my amaranthine dissension with quintessence." - Scott Smith

"Arguing with a religious person is a lot like, trying to explain to a colorblind person why they are dressed like a clown." - Scott Smith

"Sometimes you have to make the same mistake twice, two or three times. Just to be sure." - Scott Smith

"No matter where you are going, it's not going to be that cool when you get there." - Scott Smith

"Praying when you are about to die does as much good as; flapping your arms when you fall off of a cliff." - Scott Smith

"Work is hard. Working hard sucks ass." - Scott Smith

"What type of wine goes with fish? Nevermind, I'll just ask your mom to douche." - Scott Smith

"Have you ever wrecked your hoverboard in to a hovercar and thought, 'I sure am glad the US has a single payer health care system.' You haven't? Remember to thank a Republicans for that." - Scott Smith

"Hipsters are this years dead hookers." - Scott Smith

"Not affiliated with Scott Smith from Chicago, IL." - Scott Smith

"Remember when you could just club a woman and drag her home? Me neither. We should bring that back. Imagine the savings on dinners and flowers. Imagine the savings..." - Scott Smith

"It runs on state of the art 19th century technology; Internal Combustion!" - Scott Smith

"Windows are just small doors that let the scenery in and out." - Scott Smith

"My heart overruling my boner. Well, that's a first." - Scott Smith

"Just because you were there, doesn't mean you know what happened." - Scott Smith

"Any resemblance of "quotables" to people, either living or dead, is purely coincidental." - Scott Smith

"Fuck whales! You can put 'em all on a boat and sink it in middle of the ocean for all I care!" - Scott Smith

"Wisdom is wasted on the crotchety." - Scott Smith

"A wise man once said, 'Men must have standards.' I don't remember who it was and I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking to me when he said it." - Scott Smith

"If you want to become more popular, quit calling people for a few months." - Scott Smith

"What's it called when a girls gives a guy a 'booty call? A 'boner call' maybe. Whatever it's called, I've been getting a lot of them lately." - Scott Smith

"The clowns are running the circus and, the monkeys have found their makeup." - Scott Smith

"Crow is the hardest to eat when it's been slow cooked." - Scott Smith

"..," - Scott Smith

"If you only have 2 jelly beans and, you drop one, it can be upsetting. If you have a whole handful of jelly beans and, some sombrero wearing, shotgun wielding drunk mows down a few, it shouldn't matter because you've got plenty more." - Scott Smith

"The clap doesn't sound anything like you think it should. If you are hearing any strange noises from you crotch; Play it safe, go see a doctor." - Scott Smith

"An aide is just a glorified assistant." - Scott Smith

"Who gives a blind guy a sword anyway?" - Scott Smith

"Just because I agreed to it, doesn't mean that I agree with it." - Scott Smith

"I'm not being condescending, you're just a moron." - Scott Smith

"I try not to talk down to people, unless they're really short." - Scott Smith

"A 'No Fat Chicks' shirt pisses off the skinny ones too." - Scott Smith

"It is funny when it happens to me, it's just not funny to me." - Scott Smith

"Knowing the difference between 'right' and 'wrong' is the easy part." - Scott Smith

"Boredom is the most boring thing to die from." - Scott Smith

"I dunno what the Teapot Dome scandal was all about; I just know that it sounds like one of the classier scandals." - Scott Smith

"You wanna make something of it? Go ahead, I hope it's a cake." - Scott Smith

"Shallow? Me? No way man! I'm way deep, deeper than your mom's vaj. Yeah, that is super deep, so there." - Scott Smith

"If you're gonna fall overboard, you might as well do it while the ship is docked." - Scott Smith

"Salt. That's always the answer. Just add salt to begin with and save yourself some time." - Scott Smith

"It's not the same mistake.., This one's a redhead." - Scott Smith

"Religion is just like heroin. It's a huge waste of time, money and your life but, it sure makes you feel good.., Well, that's what I've heard anyway. I've never actually used religion." - Scott Smith

"Getting sick is nature's way of reminding you that; You ain't shit." - Scott Smith

"Hugs are alright, I'd still rather have the drugs though." - Scott Smith

"When in doubt, check the jail." - Scott Smith

"Looks like Betty White gets the Nazi gold." - Scott Smith

"I'd rather be oleaginous than unctuous." - Scott Smith

"If my forethought was half as good as my hindsight, my life would be a lot less fucked up." - Scott Smith

"I don't care if they're her peas, I still don't want 'em anywhere near my crotch!" - Scott Smith

"The only way to accomplish things is by doing them." - Scott Smith

"A mans bigotry need know no bounds when god is on his side." - Scott Smith

"Fuck you Freckulon! I hope your face gets melanoma!" - Scott Smith

"Where's the butter Neighbs?" - Scott Smith

"When you know, then you'll understand." - Scott Smith

"You may think that you're my Boss but you're not. You're just my employer. Jackass." - Scott Smith

"Comment or GTFO!" - Scott SMith

"Metaphysics, pfft. Try having Metafidgets. I can't stop pacing back and forth in the Astral Plane." - Scott Smith

"I said, 'anti-clockwise' not, 'counter-clockwise'. Your dumb ass just wasted a whole night's work." - Scott Smith

"Stupid people tend to confuse cynicism for wit." - Scott Smith

"Yes, it is possible to be too busy for this." - Scott Smith

"There are 3 types of women; Bitches, Whores and Cunts. The difference is how bad they pissed me off." - Scott Smith

"Tired of being wrong all of the time? You should start your own religion. That way, everything you say becomes Gospel truth. It's worked wonders for me." - Scott Smith

"Is there anything sadder than an overweight midget? Did I say sadder? I meant 'hilariouser', sorry for the confusion." - Scott Smith

"Today's updates are tomorrow's outdates." - Scott Smith

"Easter?!?!? I thought it was Passover. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to stick some ham between a couple of slices of Matzo bread and kill 2 birds with one stone. " - Scott Smith

"I'm pretty sure that killing 2 birds with one stone is the Kosher way of doing it." - Scott Smith

"Rabbits made of chocolate are OK but, rabbits made of meat taste better is stew." - Scott Smith

"What do rabbits have to do with eggs again?" - Scott Smith

"Junk in the Trunk, a Cunt in the Front and Tits for her wits, she meets all of my requirements." - Scott Smith

"Me? A misogynist? Sure, I guess I like Japanese food as much as the next guy." - Scott Smith

"Syllable saving tip: Try calling your waitress 'cheeks' instead of 'sweet-cheeks'. This can save the average person 3.113 months over the course of a lifetime." - Scott Smith

"No dude, you're wrong as fuck. A happenstance is how you stand when you're ready for something to happen. Get a dictionary Corky." - Scott Smith

"I don't know what it does but, I 'guarana' some more of it." - Scott Smith

"I said 'hopeless', not 'homeless'. Calm down, I can see your refrigerator box." - Scott Smith

"I'm gonna put the De-thatching blade on my lawn mower backwards. That way, I can use it to thatch my roof." - Scott Smith

"Authenticate that shit already. Those numbers are fuckin' up the vibe of the whole place." - Scott Smith

"If she hasn't figured out why her baby looks so much like me, I ain't sayin' nothin'." - Scott Smith

"It's art! What the fuck is there to understand about it?" - Scott Smith

"The weather girl is hot so,you don't care when she's wrong all of the time." - Scott Smith

"Llamas spit, just like camels and rednecks." - Scott Smith

The First Ever Super Special Guest Star "Quotable" Ever!!!

"Never do with one pitchfork what you could just as easily do with a thousand regular forks" - Luke Coates

"For having all of those buttons, an accordion doesn't really do that much." - Scott Smith

"You try to hump the Sun, you're gonna burn your dick. I'm just sayin'." - Scott Smith

"I'm givin' you Mark Twain quality at Yogi Berra prices. What the fuck are you complaining about?" - Scott Smith

"Don't forget to grease that gearbox." - Scott Smith