"Jesus had a foot fetish." -Scott Smith

"You might as well take your own monkey to the zoo." -Scott Smith

"Rubber nipples will never replace the real thing." -Scott Smith

"If babies weren't such pussies, maybe people would quit taking their candy all the time." -Scott Smith

"I'm a little rough around the edges, that's why they invented KY." -Scott Smith

"Santorum is great for getting a Newt out of your Mitt." -Scott Smith

"If you see a red carpet, it means that you're too close to a ginger. Pull your pants up and run, while you still have a soul." -Scott Smith

"Why is there no Oscar for Best Rack?" -Scott Smith