Tuesday, December 28, 2010

"The future is boring." -Scott Smith
"Might as well try putting that fire out with butter." -Scott Smith

Friday, December 24, 2010

"I'm not eating any of that crap, it looks like shit." -Scott Smith

Saturday, December 18, 2010

"The Sneeches had it easy. Their belly stars or, lack thereof, made it easy for them to know who to hate." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

"I brush my teeth before bed so that, if I see the girl of my dreams, I'll have fresh breath." - Scott Smith

Friday, December 03, 2010

"You don't need a map to go nowhere." - Scott Smith

Thursday, December 02, 2010

"If you came here looking for answers, here you go; 'Yes' and 'Fuck you'." -Scott Smith
"You should be careful when you fall head-over-heals because, you might land tits-up." - Scott Smith
"Knowing that you don't know something can make you go cross-eyed." - Scott Smith

Sunday, November 21, 2010

"Burning bridges is a lot of effort. It's easier to just let them collapse from disrepair." - Scott Smith

Monday, November 15, 2010

"It's amazing how easy it can be when you don't give a shit." - Scott Smith

Sunday, November 14, 2010

"Seriously Canada, what do you want from me?" - Scott Smith

Monday, November 08, 2010

"Sometimes you have to eat with the spoon already in your hand." - Scott Smith
"Complicated things are hard to do." - Scott Smith

Friday, November 05, 2010

"What I want, I don't have. What I have, I don't want. This is why I drink." - Scott Smith
"Don't ask me a question if you're going to get mad at my answer." - Scott Smith
"Hey Canada, your poutine sucks!" - Scott Smith

Thursday, November 04, 2010

"Complainin's good for maintainin'." - Scott Smith
"Do Bigfoots call people 'Smallfoots'?" - Scott Smith
"Those with carpet have fewer rugs." - Scott Smith
"Unemployed people never get a vacation." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"Winter is the planet's waiting room." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"Fuck Nebraska, right in the corn-hole." - Scott Smith

Sunday, October 24, 2010

"They should call jet skis 'boatercycles'." - Scott Smith

Friday, October 22, 2010

"I'm psychic, that's how." - Scott Smith

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"And now a brief respite from my amaranthine dissension with quintessence." - Scott Smith

Friday, October 08, 2010

"Arguing with a religious person is a lot like, trying to explain to a colorblind person why they are dressed like a clown." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

"Sometimes you have to make the same mistake twice, two or three times. Just to be sure." - Scott Smith

Saturday, October 02, 2010

"No matter where you are going, it's not going to be that cool when you get there." - Scott Smith
"Praying when you are about to die does as much good as; flapping your arms when you fall off of a cliff." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

"Work is hard. Working hard sucks ass." - Scott Smith

Sunday, September 19, 2010

"What type of wine goes with fish? Nevermind, I'll just ask your mom to douche." - Scott Smith
"Have you ever wrecked your hoverboard in to a hovercar and thought, 'I sure am glad the US has a single payer health care system.' You haven't? Remember to thank a Republicans for that." - Scott Smith
"Hipsters are this years dead hookers." - Scott Smith
"Not affiliated with Scott Smith from Chicago, IL." - Scott Smith

Saturday, September 18, 2010

"Remember when you could just club a woman and drag her home? Me neither. We should bring that back. Imagine the savings on dinners and flowers. Imagine the savings..." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

"It runs on state of the art 19th century technology; Internal Combustion!" - Scott Smith

Sunday, September 12, 2010

"Windows are just small doors that let the scenery in and out." - Scott Smith
"My heart overruling my boner. Well, that's a first." - Scott Smith

Friday, September 03, 2010

"Just because you were there, doesn't mean you know what happened." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"Any resemblance of "quotables" to people, either living or dead, is purely coincidental." - Scott Smith
"Fuck whales! You can put 'em all on a boat and sink it in middle of the ocean for all I care!" - Scott Smith

Friday, August 20, 2010

"Wisdom is wasted on the crotchety." - Scott Smith
"A wise man once said, 'Men must have standards.' I don't remember who it was and I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking to me when he said it." - Scott Smith

Thursday, August 19, 2010

"If you want to become more popular, quit calling people for a few months." - Scott Smith
"What's it called when a girls gives a guy a 'booty call? A 'boner call' maybe. Whatever it's called, I've been getting a lot of them lately." - Scott Smith

Sunday, August 08, 2010

"The clowns are running the circus and, the monkeys have found their makeup." - Scott Smith
"Crow is the hardest to eat when it's been slow cooked." - Scott Smith
"..," - Scott Smith

Friday, July 30, 2010

"If you only have 2 jelly beans and, you drop one, it can be upsetting. If you have a whole handful of jelly beans and, some sombrero wearing, shotgun wielding drunk mows down a few, it shouldn't matter because you've got plenty more." - Scott Smith

Friday, July 23, 2010

"The clap doesn't sound anything like you think it should. If you are hearing any strange noises from you crotch; Play it safe, go see a doctor." - Scott Smith
"An aide is just a glorified assistant." - Scott Smith
"Who gives a blind guy a sword anyway?" - Scott Smith

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

"Just because I agreed to it, doesn't mean that I agree with it." - Scott Smith

Friday, July 16, 2010

"I'm not being condescending, you're just a moron." - Scott Smith
"I try not to talk down to people, unless they're really short." - Scott Smith

Sunday, July 11, 2010

"A 'No Fat Chicks' shirt pisses off the skinny ones too." - Scott Smith
"It is funny when it happens to me, it's just not funny to me." - Scott Smith

Friday, July 02, 2010

"Knowing the difference between 'right' and 'wrong' is the easy part." - Scott Smith

Friday, June 25, 2010

"Boredom is the most boring thing to die from." - Scott Smith

Thursday, June 24, 2010

"I dunno what the Teapot Dome scandal was all about; I just know that it sounds like one of the classier scandals." - Scott Smith
"You wanna make something of it? Go ahead, I hope it's a cake." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"Shallow? Me? No way man! I'm way deep, deeper than your mom's vaj. Yeah, that is super deep, so there." - Scott Smith
"If you're gonna fall overboard, you might as well do it while the ship is docked." - Scott Smith
"Salt. That's always the answer. Just add salt to begin with and save yourself some time." - Scott Smith
"It's not the same mistake.., This one's a redhead." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"Religion is just like heroin. It's a huge waste of time, money and your life but, it sure makes you feel good.., Well, that's what I've heard anyway. I've never actually used religion." - Scott Smith
"Getting sick is nature's way of reminding you that; You ain't shit." - Scott Smith

Monday, June 14, 2010

"Hugs are alright, I'd still rather have the drugs though." - Scott Smith
"When in doubt, check the jail." - Scott Smith

Friday, June 04, 2010

"Looks like Betty White gets the Nazi gold." - Scott Smith

Saturday, May 29, 2010

"I'd rather be oleaginous than unctuous." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"If my forethought was half as good as my hindsight, my life would be a lot less fucked up." - Scott Smith

Sunday, May 23, 2010

"I don't care if they're her peas, I still don't want 'em anywhere near my crotch!" - Scott Smith

Saturday, May 15, 2010

"The only way to accomplish things is by doing them." - Scott Smith

Sunday, May 09, 2010

"A mans bigotry need know no bounds when god is on his side." - Scott Smith

Saturday, May 08, 2010

"Fuck you Freckulon! I hope your face gets melanoma!" - Scott Smith

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

"Where's the butter Neighbs?" - Scott Smith

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"When you know, then you'll understand." - Scott Smith
"You may think that you're my Boss but you're not. You're just my employer. Jackass." - Scott Smith

Saturday, April 24, 2010

"Comment or GTFO!" - Scott SMith

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"Metaphysics, pfft. Try having Metafidgets. I can't stop pacing back and forth in the Astral Plane." - Scott Smith
"I said, 'anti-clockwise' not, 'counter-clockwise'. Your dumb ass just wasted a whole night's work." - Scott Smith
"Stupid people tend to confuse cynicism for wit." - Scott Smith

Friday, April 16, 2010

"Yes, it is possible to be too busy for this." - Scott Smith

Saturday, April 10, 2010

"There are 3 types of women; Bitches, Whores and Cunts. The difference is how bad they pissed me off." - Scott Smith
"Tired of being wrong all of the time? You should start your own religion. That way, everything you say becomes Gospel truth. It's worked wonders for me." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

"Is there anything sadder than an overweight midget? Did I say sadder? I meant 'hilariouser', sorry for the confusion." - Scott Smith
"Today's updates are tomorrow's outdates." - Scott Smith

Sunday, April 04, 2010

"Easter?!?!? I thought it was Passover. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to stick some ham between a couple of slices of Matzo bread and kill 2 birds with one stone. " - Scott Smith
"I'm pretty sure that killing 2 birds with one stone is the Kosher way of doing it." - Scott Smith
"Rabbits made of chocolate are OK but, rabbits made of meat taste better is stew." - Scott Smith
"What do rabbits have to do with eggs again?" - Scott Smith

Thursday, April 01, 2010

"Junk in the Trunk, a Cunt in the Front and Tits for her wits, she meets all of my requirements." - Scott Smith
"Me? A misogynist? Sure, I guess I like Japanese food as much as the next guy." - Scott Smith
"Syllable saving tip: Try calling your waitress 'cheeks' instead of 'sweet-cheeks'. This can save the average person 3.113 months over the course of a lifetime." - Scott Smith

Friday, March 26, 2010

"No dude, you're wrong as fuck. A happenstance is how you stand when you're ready for something to happen. Get a dictionary Corky." - Scott Smith
"I don't know what it does but, I 'guarana' some more of it." - Scott Smith
"I said 'hopeless', not 'homeless'. Calm down, I can see your refrigerator box." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

"I'm gonna put the De-thatching blade on my lawn mower backwards. That way, I can use it to thatch my roof." - Scott Smith
"Authenticate that shit already. Those numbers are fuckin' up the vibe of the whole place." - Scott Smith

Monday, March 22, 2010

"If she hasn't figured out why her baby looks so much like me, I ain't sayin' nothin'." - Scott Smith
"It's art! What the fuck is there to understand about it?" - Scott Smith
"The weather girl is hot so,you don't care when she's wrong all of the time." - Scott Smith

Sunday, March 21, 2010

"Llamas spit, just like camels and rednecks." - Scott Smith

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The First Ever Super Special Guest Star "Quotable" Ever!!!

"Never do with one pitchfork what you could just as easily do with a thousand regular forks" - Luke Coates

Friday, March 19, 2010

"For having all of those buttons, an accordion doesn't really do that much." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

"You try to hump the Sun, you're gonna burn your dick. I'm just sayin'." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"I'm givin' you Mark Twain quality at Yogi Berra prices. What the fuck are you complaining about?" - Scott Smith
"Don't forget to grease that gearbox." - Scott Smith
"You knock 'em up, I set 'em down. Just like old times." - Scott Smith
"White chocolate strawberry cheesecake! Bullshit!! I thought it was a fetus custard." - Scott Smith

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"Extra stuff.., AWESOME!!!" - Scott Smith
"Will it solve anything if I poke his eyes out instead? - Scott Smith
"Blood? Is that what they call it? Anyhow.., you're gonna need a lot more of it..." - Scott Smith

Friday, March 12, 2010

"Some days I'm just slower than I am on other days. On those days, you get stuck with shit like this." - Scott Smith
"Look at that rack, Jack. I bet you could hang like, a dozen coats on it." - Scott Smith
"I need to know but, I gotta go. Can you run down the street and shout it at me?" - Scott Smith
"Haim's death was pretty lame." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Special Memorial "Quotable"

"I was numb and I had lots of swollen lymph nodes, my heart was hurting and I had blood clots in my arm and leg." - Corey Haim

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

"Sometimes, breaking your neck isn't the best way to get a free Rascal." - Scott Smith
"The concept is that, there is no concept. Why don't you understand art?" - Scott Smith
"Sledding down stairs is exactly as much fun as it sounds." - Scott Smith
"If you figure out what it's about, let me know." - Scott Smith

Monday, March 08, 2010

"Ensenada de los Muertos, sounds nice." - Scott Smith
"Sometimes but.., not right now. Actually, never-mind. You get nothing." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

"Have you ever noticed how, in the grocery store, the way they line up the Navel Oranges, all of the navels are pointed so you can't see them? Like an orange's navel is still a navel and that somehow makes it obscene... I haven't either. That would be pretty weird though." - Scott Smith
"Jim-Jam on the Jig-a-bang!!! Remember that? I knew you would." - Scott Smith
"A lemur and a raccoon walk in to an elderly assisted care facility. The raccoon looks at the lemur and says, 'Holy shit! I must be high because, it totally sounds like I'm talking. I mean, I'm a raccoon, raccoons can't talk. And what the fuck am I doing hanging out with a lemur? I must have ate some bad trash.' Something.., Something.., Something.., I think they wind up getting a Grand Slam at Denny's or something. You had to be there." - Scott Smith
"It's a Piranha Piñata! The kid'll love it!" - Scott Smith
"That's never gonna work. Your pocket knife is metric." - Scott Smith

Friday, February 26, 2010

"A bird feeder also feeds your cats." - Scott Smith
"Put down that rake Jake. It's not fall it's spring!" - Scott Smith

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

"Seriously, the whole Moon." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

"Taking the water hose off of your washing machine doesn't make it a 'Dry Cleaner'. It does however, make you a Jackass." - Scott Smith
"I tried to swallow the moon once." - Scott Smith
"You want it, you've got it... You don't have it? Well, that could be a problem." - Scott Smith
"I had no idea cheetahs were such poor role models." - Scott Smith
"I need a boat with a boat on it! No time for questions!! Make it happen!!!" - Scott Smith

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

"...that's like using shortening instead of butter!" - Scott Smith

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"Nobody gets it. That's kind of the point" - Scott Smith
"An alibi? Oh, I thought you were asking if I had an albino. Imagine my confusion. Yes.., I was hanging out with this pale guy all day." -Scott Smith
"For Lent, I'm giving up work for 40 days. That should be a stretch." -Scott Smith
"They need to invent a new word for the amount of lazy I feel like being today. I would do it but, you know, the laziness." -Scott Smith

Friday, February 12, 2010

"I apologize in advance for the time you're about to waste. You've been had." -Scott Smith
"Wowza-zowza!! Did you see the size of that onion ring? More like an, 'onion hoop'. Am I right?" -Scott Smith

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

"Do you guys need an easy one or something? Fine..." -Scott Smith
"I don't care who you are. Jesus drank his wine from a bowl. Why can't I? This Taco Bell sucks anyway!" -Scott Smith
"Due to tough economic times, The Church of Scott Smith will now be instituting a "Baptisms while they're in bed" program. It's similar to the Mormon Churches Baptisms for the Dead only, we don't wait until people are dead, only until they're asleep. (Dead people seem to have a hard time paying tithing.)
If you are one of the lucky ones chosen for this high spiritual honor, you will be notified via a New Member Package in the mail. Inside it you will find your new holy garments*, a certificate of membership, Your Paradoxical Blessing and 26 pre-addressed envelopes for you to send in your first years worth of bimonthly tithing payments**.

*Tasteful lingerie for the ladies/ Banana hammocks for the men

**9.75% of all before tax income must be paid, every 2 weeks after gaining membership in order to gain access to The VIP Lounge in The Good Heaven.^

^Upon completion of life and pending clearance of last tithing payment, a wristband will be attached to your soul after discorporation.+

+Wristbands do not guarantee access to the VIP lounge Access to the VIP lounge may be limited due to special events, lack of/presence of a star on ones belly, availability of space, etc..." -Scott Smith

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

"You don't like-a my gin, I don't like-a you face! Waa-paa!!!" -Scott Smith

Monday, February 08, 2010

"Has the world gone mad? That fucking bear cub shouldn't have been riding that tricycle anyhow! If somebody doesn't act soon, they'll be learning to work at Quizno's and there will be fur in everybody's sandwiches. Do you want fur in you sandwich? I didn't think so... It totally deserved to have me knock it over." - Scott Smith
"That's not what the Pirate on this bottle told me..." - Scott Smith
"Might as well face it.., You're addicted to drugs." - Scott Smith

Thursday, February 04, 2010

"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it." - Scott Smith

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

"Good morning World. We meet again." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

"If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you.., while I'm sober at least." - Scott Smith

Monday, February 01, 2010

"Squeeeaaak.., Gulg, glug, glug.., Squeeaaak. " - Scott Smith
"I'd like to get my hands on one of those booze barrels the dogs wear in the Alps. I don't really know why. I guess that I have just always wanted to drink my booze out of a little spout. I bet it squeaks when you turn the handle and everything." - Scott Smith

Saturday, January 30, 2010

"Here's your update bitches!" - Scott Smith

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

"I think this blog could use a Republican response." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

"Next stop: Bonerburg, USA. Population: You." - Scott Smith
"Man, monkeys got it made. Just sittin' around eating peanuts and flinging poo all day. Now that's the life." - Scott Smith
"It's about time this shit went international!!!" - Scott Smith

Monday, January 25, 2010

"If you get some pubes caught while zipping up, don't zip back down. Keep zipping up, they're gonna get pulled out either way. You might as well have you pants done up while you're crying about it." - Scott Smith
"It's not who you know as much as who you're willing to screw over." - Scott Smith

Sunday, January 24, 2010

"Not right now, I've got to go conquer the globe first." - Scott Smith

Friday, January 22, 2010

" If I'm the only person you know that uses the word, "curses", it's because you don't hang out with enough supervillians. Not because I'm weird." - Scott Smith

Thursday, January 21, 2010

"What in the fuck is that? Whatever it is, it looks like Ed Asner." - Scott Smith
"If it were that awesome, I would have pissed on it by now. That's just how I roll." - Scott Smith
"If you need a religion, you should join a new cult. It's like getting in on the ground floor of salvation." - Scott Smith

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

"Blarg!" - Scott Smith

Sunday, January 17, 2010

"Maybe next time you won't try to catch it, Jackass. Well, you know, if it hadn't crushed you to death this time." - Scott Smith
"You put a monkey on a street corner with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other and, you've got yourself a gold mine. You put me there and, you've got a public intox ticket. Fuckin' double standards." - Scott Smith
"I was trying to find myself and, I wound up getting lost. Go figure." - Scott Smith
"Don't worry about me, save the hooch!" - Scott Smith

Friday, January 15, 2010

"That's a hot dog you jackass, a frank at best. A wiener is made of veal." - Scott Smith

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