"Due to tough economic times, The Church of Scott Smith will now be instituting a "Baptisms while they're in bed" program. It's similar to the Mormon Churches Baptisms for the Dead only, we don't wait until people are dead, only until they're asleep. (Dead people seem to have a hard time paying tithing.) If you are one of the lucky ones chosen for this high spiritual honor, you will be notified via a New Member Package in the mail. Inside it you will find your new holy garments*, a certificate of membership, Your Paradoxical Blessing and 26 pre-addressed envelopes for you to send in your first years worth of bimonthly tithing payments**.
*Tasteful lingerie for the ladies/ Banana hammocks for the men
**9.75% of all before tax income must be paid, every 2 weeks after gaining membership in order to gain access to The VIP Lounge in The Good Heaven.^
^Upon completion of life and pending clearance of last tithing payment, a wristband will be attached to your soul after discorporation.+
+Wristbands do not guarantee access to the VIP lounge Access to the VIP lounge may be limited due to special events, lack of/presence of a star on ones belly, availability of space, etc..." -Scott Smith
"Has the world gone mad? That fucking bear cub shouldn't have been riding that tricycle anyhow! If somebody doesn't act soon, they'll be learning to work at Quizno's and there will be fur in everybody's sandwiches. Do you want fur in you sandwich? I didn't think so... It totally deserved to have me knock it over." - Scott Smith
"I'd like to get my hands on one of those booze barrels the dogs wear in the Alps. I don't really know why. I guess that I have just always wanted to drink my booze out of a little spout. I bet it squeaks when you turn the handle and everything." - Scott Smith