"What part of 'conceptual' do you unimaginative people not understand?" - Scott Smith

"New fuck beer, too getting bored, drunk still more drinking." - Scott Smith

"Whattaya mean I can't urinate here? I'm doin' it ain't I? You think that badge makes you Captain of the Pee Patrol or something? At least let me zip up before you put me in your squad car." - Scott Smith

"Kill the plaid." - Scott Smith

"If you don't put your tongue on it, you'll never know if the power is on." - Scott Smith

"It's an Asian market. If they have a dried one, they'll have a baby dried one." - Scott Smith

"No, I did not pee in the hamper, somebody put the dirty clothes in the toilet." - Scott Smith

"Don't give a shit!" - Scott Smith

"Nothin' chases the blues away like nailin' a waitress." - Scott Smith

"Bootsy Twitters?" - Scott Smith

"100. That's like a half of a carton of cigarettes worth of quotes. What's a carton of smokes go for now a days? $50.00? We'll call it $50.00. So, you own me $25.00. Please pay up soon, I have bills to pay." - Scott Smith

"That's not how you carry a canoe dumbass. You've got it confused with a kayak." - Scott Smith

"We're gonna need a bigger beer." - Scott Smith

"Maybe you should update your face more often." - Scott Smith

"Coming soon to a strip mall near you; Baco'n Whores! All of your cured meats and loose women in one convenient stop! Free Kielbasa with every hand job! Kids eat free! Fun for the whole family! " - Scott Smith

"You should try to put your "P" in as many "V"s as possible while it can still stand up on its own." - Scott Smith

"It's never too early for a cocktail." - Scott Smith

"No can do. My flow is so heavy, I'm using a Sham-Wow for a maxi-pad." - Scott Smith

"Herding cats is great exercise until you get them all in a corner." - Scott Smith

"Once, on a cold and stormy day much like today, the rain raped my father. I've hated it ever since." - Scott Smith

"I love fat bitch burgers." - Scott Smith

"I'll give you a stimulus package.., FROM MY PANTS!!! I'm talking about my penis, of course." - Scott Smith

"Bears using toilet paper but, no toilet. Is it any wonder the kids are so screwed up now-a-days?" - Scott Smith

"I've got bigger fish to fry and he's got fatter chicks to fuck. Let's hurry this shit up." - Scott Smith

"It makes more sense when you drunk." - Scott Smith

"Have you ever tried putting blueberries in waffles? It can't be done. It would take a special waffle iron, one with lots of divots. So many divots, they'd have to import 'em. Next thing you know, tariffs everywhere... Just eat your fucking pancake." - Scott Smith

"If you're happy and you know it, burn in hell." - Scott Smith

"OK, I could care less but, it's just too much effort." - Scott Smith

"It's a gun that gives people acid reflux. How can that not be a good idea?' - Scott Smith

"Just burn the stupid thing down." - Scott Smith

"Fine, I'll do it but, those nachos better not be a lie." - Scott Smith

"Listen man, I DON'T CARE, live with it!" - Scott Smith

"The watermelon smashed my donuts." - Scott Smith

"At least my obesity isn't morbid." - Scott Smith

"Where in the bible does it say I can't deep fry a snickers bar? Huh? Come on Padre, show me!" - Scott Smith

"...something about flanges. I dunno either." - Scott Smith

"It makes me feel better. Not a 'Oh, I'm healthy' kind of better per se, more of a 'I'm only gonna punch that old Asian lady in the face once' kind of better." - Scott Smith

"If a malt and a milkshake were the same thing, a malt wouldn't cost a quarter more. Pfft, fuckin' jerkoff." - Scott Smith

"Nobody's the boss of me! Well, nobody except my boss." - Scott Smith

"Raoul, let's eat that!" - Scott Smith

"First come casual Fridays then, topless Wednesdays." - Scott Smith

"No, we never dated. My cock was seeing her vagina for a while though." - Scott Smith

"Too early to wake up. Too late to stop the Sun from existing." - Scott Smith

"Eat it dude. It's got bananas!" - Scott Smith

"That's more of a Sunday go-to-meeting type of drunk." - Scott Smith

"Well, if I'm not handsome, that would make my mother a liar." - Scott Smith

"It's not as easy as you think it looks." - Scott Smith

"Beer for breakfast? OK!" - Scott Smith

"Fart, fart, fart." - Scott Smith

"English muffins are the new bagels." - Scott Smith

"Always get yours first and, fuck everybody else. That's the way Jesus would have wanted it." - Scott Smith

"An Ocean of lotion. That should keep me moisturized." - Scott Smith

"It's all fun and games until they're sewing your big toes where your thumbs used to be." - Scott Smith

"That's for everybody but you." - Scott Smith

"There's a 4th degree burn now?" - Scott Smith

"Nematodes aren't actually toads at all. They are called such because they hop all over your Nemas." - Scott Smith

"A heart of stone and a sack of steel, that's what you need to survive." - Scott Smith

"You got wang chop'd!!!" - Scott Smith

"That's so chocolate milk. The twins are gonna have a Mars Bar when they hear that." - Scott Smith

"I'm pretty sure Shaq is just 3 midgets under an overcoat. Look at the signs, you'll see." - Scott Smith

"What does a hill of beans amount to anyways?" - Scott Smith

"I told you I would do it. Now, you want me to actually do it. Fuckin' Nazi." - Scott Smith

"What the world could really use is more loose women." - Scott Smith

"I'd be more than happy to explain it to you but, I don't think you would understand." - Scott Smith

"No hot wings in the pool. How many times do I have to tell you?" - Scott Smith

"What do you mean you're out of musk melons. Fag!" - Scott Smith

"It's like a nap but, you're awake." - Scott Smith

"Just put some toothpaste in your Mtn. Dew and call it good." - Scott Smith

"If a cute girl tries to get you to eat some mushrooms, don't do it." - Scott Smith

"Fuck your mother Asshole!" - Scott Smith

"The 70's were a very sticky decade." - Scott Smith

"Beep, beep. I needs me sleep!" - Scott Smith

"Fuck the Cowboys. Where have all the Gauchos gone?" - Scott Smith

"If we stop using stem cells, where are all of the leaves gonna grow?" - Scott Smith

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd have shot myself in the face by now." - Scott Smith

"Baby Jesus is back. Quick, call Gold's Gym!" - Scott Smith

"Why do they call it a punchline anyways? Did comedians used to punch people or something? A comedian punching people, I think Dane Cook just got a new tour idea." - Scott Smith

"That's weird. I could have sworn that the floor in you apartment was covered in molten lava. Huh. Sorry about the coffee table." - Scott Smith

"It's called a semi-colon. It gives your sentences the ability to semi-poop." - Scott Smith

"Hey Flip-Flap, make with the fucking pancakes already. Jesus man, this is brunch, not brinner!" - Scott Smith

"Sandwiches are an easy thing to make on days when your cooking arm is tired from punching neighbor kids all day." - Scott Smith

"English is such a bullshit language." - Scott Smith

"Why in the fuck is waffling wrong? I love waffles. If you're against waffles, I'm voting you out." - Scott Smith

"An arctic bearded seal? I need to clean my toilet more often." - Scott Smith

"You can't strap a monkey to a chicken and say it's the county fair. That would be pretty cool though." - Scott Smith

"Tampons? Oh, you must mean 'cunt corks'. They're on aisle three. " - Scott Smith

"Since when has not wanting to be dissected been illegal? Yesterday, really? Just passed congress you say. Well, in that case, you're gonna have to haul me in." - Scott Smith

"Look, I already told you, she wasn't a hooker, she was a prostitute. Now, take these handcuffs off of me and, give me back my sock full of Cream of Wheat." - Scott Smith

"That's just like drinkin' breast milk. Warm and smooth, with a little squirt of puss to start it off." - Scott Smith

"Encino Man! How can you not remember Encino Man? It had The Weasel." - Scott Smith

"If you're going to pee into the wind, wear water-proof clothing." - Scott Smith

"We can burn that bridge when we get to it." - Scott Smith

"I tried to install Adobe Acrobat but, I couldn't find enough straw." - Scott Smith

"I tried to tell you but NO. You just had to go and stick your dick in that bear trap. Well, enjoy the clap, jackass." - Scott Smith

"Why would anybody want to do that all day?" - Scott Smith

"Your lack of talent and intelligence is made up for by your lack of inhibitions. Now, show me them titties!" - Scott Smith

"It's too early in the morning to make broad generalizations." - Scott Smith

"Shut up and eat it dude. Just because it looks like that doesn't mean it's not delicious. Take your mother's crotch for instance." - Scott Smith

"Well, that's entirely too much to pay for a Laffy Taffy that only has one joke on it. Let me talk to the manager." - Scott Smith

"No, I will not do whatever it is you said I should do. You're not my life coach!" - Scott Smith

"The burnt ones are kind of bitter. Not the good kind of bitter either. " - Scott Smith

"Not for all the beans in Mexico!" - Scott Smith

"I forgot what I was going to say so, you're stuck with this piece of crap." - Scott Smith

"Maybe he knocked her up, I don't know what's going on anymore." - Scott Smith

"Just putting an exclamation point on it doesn't make it new." - Scott Smith

"Drugs are like hugs that get you high." - Scott Smith

"Once I saw this guy. He was like on drugs or something. True Story" - Scott Smith

"When looking back on your life, don't ask yourself, "Was it all a waste?", because it was." - Scott Smith

"You don't need friends when you have enemies." - Scott Smith

"Two Wongs don't make a wight." - Scott Smith