"Fuck your mother Asshole!" - Scott Smith

"The 70's were a very sticky decade." - Scott Smith

"Beep, beep. I needs me sleep!" - Scott Smith

"Fuck the Cowboys. Where have all the Gauchos gone?" - Scott Smith

"If we stop using stem cells, where are all of the leaves gonna grow?" - Scott Smith

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd have shot myself in the face by now." - Scott Smith

"Baby Jesus is back. Quick, call Gold's Gym!" - Scott Smith

"Why do they call it a punchline anyways? Did comedians used to punch people or something? A comedian punching people, I think Dane Cook just got a new tour idea." - Scott Smith

"That's weird. I could have sworn that the floor in you apartment was covered in molten lava. Huh. Sorry about the coffee table." - Scott Smith

"It's called a semi-colon. It gives your sentences the ability to semi-poop." - Scott Smith

"Hey Flip-Flap, make with the fucking pancakes already. Jesus man, this is brunch, not brinner!" - Scott Smith

"Sandwiches are an easy thing to make on days when your cooking arm is tired from punching neighbor kids all day." - Scott Smith

"English is such a bullshit language." - Scott Smith

"Why in the fuck is waffling wrong? I love waffles. If you're against waffles, I'm voting you out." - Scott Smith

"An arctic bearded seal? I need to clean my toilet more often." - Scott Smith

"You can't strap a monkey to a chicken and say it's the county fair. That would be pretty cool though." - Scott Smith

"Tampons? Oh, you must mean 'cunt corks'. They're on aisle three. " - Scott Smith

"Since when has not wanting to be dissected been illegal? Yesterday, really? Just passed congress you say. Well, in that case, you're gonna have to haul me in." - Scott Smith

"Look, I already told you, she wasn't a hooker, she was a prostitute. Now, take these handcuffs off of me and, give me back my sock full of Cream of Wheat." - Scott Smith

"That's just like drinkin' breast milk. Warm and smooth, with a little squirt of puss to start it off." - Scott Smith

"Encino Man! How can you not remember Encino Man? It had The Weasel." - Scott Smith

"If you're going to pee into the wind, wear water-proof clothing." - Scott Smith

"We can burn that bridge when we get to it." - Scott Smith

"I tried to install Adobe Acrobat but, I couldn't find enough straw." - Scott Smith

"I tried to tell you but NO. You just had to go and stick your dick in that bear trap. Well, enjoy the clap, jackass." - Scott Smith