"A bird feeder also feeds your cats." - Scott Smith

"Put down that rake Jake. It's not fall it's spring!" - Scott Smith

"Seriously, the whole Moon." - Scott Smith

"Taking the water hose off of your washing machine doesn't make it a 'Dry Cleaner'. It does however, make you a Jackass." - Scott Smith

"I tried to swallow the moon once." - Scott Smith

"You want it, you've got it... You don't have it? Well, that could be a problem." - Scott Smith

"I had no idea cheetahs were such poor role models." - Scott Smith

"I need a boat with a boat on it! No time for questions!! Make it happen!!!" - Scott Smith

"...that's like using shortening instead of butter!" - Scott Smith

"Nobody gets it. That's kind of the point" - Scott Smith

"An alibi? Oh, I thought you were asking if I had an albino. Imagine my confusion. Yes.., I was hanging out with this pale guy all day." -Scott Smith

"For Lent, I'm giving up work for 40 days. That should be a stretch." -Scott Smith

"They need to invent a new word for the amount of lazy I feel like being today. I would do it but, you know, the laziness." -Scott Smith

"I apologize in advance for the time you're about to waste. You've been had." -Scott Smith

"Wowza-zowza!! Did you see the size of that onion ring? More like an, 'onion hoop'. Am I right?" -Scott Smith

"Do you guys need an easy one or something? Fine..." -Scott Smith

"I don't care who you are. Jesus drank his wine from a bowl. Why can't I? This Taco Bell sucks anyway!" -Scott Smith

"Due to tough economic times, The Church of Scott Smith will now be instituting a "Baptisms while they're in bed" program. It's similar to the Mormon Churches Baptisms for the Dead only, we don't wait until people are dead, only until they're asleep. (Dead people seem to have a hard time paying tithing.)
If you are one of the lucky ones chosen for this high spiritual honor, you will be notified via a New Member Package in the mail. Inside it you will find your new holy garments*, a certificate of membership, Your Paradoxical Blessing and 26 pre-addressed envelopes for you to send in your first years worth of bimonthly tithing payments**.



*Tasteful lingerie for the ladies/ Banana hammocks for the men

**9.75% of all before tax income must be paid, every 2 weeks after gaining membership in order to gain access to The VIP Lounge in The Good Heaven.^

^Upon completion of life and pending clearance of last tithing payment, a wristband will be attached to your soul after discorporation.+

+Wristbands do not guarantee access to the VIP lounge Access to the VIP lounge may be limited due to special events, lack of/presence of a star on ones belly, availability of space, etc..." -Scott Smith

"You don't like-a my gin, I don't like-a you face! Waa-paa!!!" -Scott Smith

"Has the world gone mad? That fucking bear cub shouldn't have been riding that tricycle anyhow! If somebody doesn't act soon, they'll be learning to work at Quizno's and there will be fur in everybody's sandwiches. Do you want fur in you sandwich? I didn't think so... It totally deserved to have me knock it over." - Scott Smith

"That's not what the Pirate on this bottle told me..." - Scott Smith

"Might as well face it.., You're addicted to drugs." - Scott Smith

"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it." - Scott Smith

"Good morning World. We meet again." - Scott Smith

"If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you.., while I'm sober at least." - Scott Smith

"Squeeeaaak.., Gulg, glug, glug.., Squeeaaak. " - Scott Smith

"I'd like to get my hands on one of those booze barrels the dogs wear in the Alps. I don't really know why. I guess that I have just always wanted to drink my booze out of a little spout. I bet it squeaks when you turn the handle and everything." - Scott Smith