"If it weren't for porn, nobody would know how to spell 'amateur'." -Scott Smith

"You can't motorboat a woman's heart." -Scott Smith

"At least it wasn't Horshack. It should have been Barbarino. And we should all be thankful that "Boom Boom" is immortal." -Scott Smith

"I thought these films were supposed to be about a sundance." -Scott Smith

"Well, if she could keep my dick out of her mouth it would be a lot easier." -Scott Smith

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"If you believe the Bible, you'll believe anything." -Scott Smith

"Church would be more popular if they weren't so stingy with the wine and crackers." -Scott Smith

"Spaghetti is just Italian nachos." -Scott Smith

"You can't back up if you don't have reverse." -Scott Smith

"Nachos are just Mexican spaghetti." -Scott Smith

"If you make a monkey cook your dinner, you're gonna have a grease fire." -Scott Smith

"Let's see you go through a Shark Week without your baby seal skin hat." -Scott Smith

"I go through enough brooms trying to keep Sharia law from creeping in to my kitchen and you want to elect a Kardashian president." -Scott Smith

New Year's resolution

"Naw, don't worry about it. A million ain't as many as you think." -Scott Smith