"I'm pretty sure that killing 2 birds with one stone is the Kosher way of doing it." - Scott Smith

"Rabbits made of chocolate are OK but, rabbits made of meat taste better is stew." - Scott Smith

"What do rabbits have to do with eggs again?" - Scott Smith

"Junk in the Trunk, a Cunt in the Front and Tits for her wits, she meets all of my requirements." - Scott Smith

"Me? A misogynist? Sure, I guess I like Japanese food as much as the next guy." - Scott Smith

"Syllable saving tip: Try calling your waitress 'cheeks' instead of 'sweet-cheeks'. This can save the average person 3.113 months over the course of a lifetime." - Scott Smith

"No dude, you're wrong as fuck. A happenstance is how you stand when you're ready for something to happen. Get a dictionary Corky." - Scott Smith

"I don't know what it does but, I 'guarana' some more of it." - Scott Smith

"I said 'hopeless', not 'homeless'. Calm down, I can see your refrigerator box." - Scott Smith

"I'm gonna put the De-thatching blade on my lawn mower backwards. That way, I can use it to thatch my roof." - Scott Smith

"Authenticate that shit already. Those numbers are fuckin' up the vibe of the whole place." - Scott Smith

"If she hasn't figured out why her baby looks so much like me, I ain't sayin' nothin'." - Scott Smith

"It's art! What the fuck is there to understand about it?" - Scott Smith

"The weather girl is hot so,you don't care when she's wrong all of the time." - Scott Smith

"Llamas spit, just like camels and rednecks." - Scott Smith

The First Ever Super Special Guest Star "Quotable" Ever!!!

"Never do with one pitchfork what you could just as easily do with a thousand regular forks" - Luke Coates

"For having all of those buttons, an accordion doesn't really do that much." - Scott Smith

"You try to hump the Sun, you're gonna burn your dick. I'm just sayin'." - Scott Smith

"I'm givin' you Mark Twain quality at Yogi Berra prices. What the fuck are you complaining about?" - Scott Smith

"Don't forget to grease that gearbox." - Scott Smith

"You knock 'em up, I set 'em down. Just like old times." - Scott Smith

"White chocolate strawberry cheesecake! Bullshit!! I thought it was a fetus custard." - Scott Smith

"Extra stuff.., AWESOME!!!" - Scott Smith

"Will it solve anything if I poke his eyes out instead? - Scott Smith

"Blood? Is that what they call it? Anyhow.., you're gonna need a lot more of it..." - Scott Smith

"Some days I'm just slower than I am on other days. On those days, you get stuck with shit like this." - Scott Smith

"Look at that rack, Jack. I bet you could hang like, a dozen coats on it." - Scott Smith

"I need to know but, I gotta go. Can you run down the street and shout it at me?" - Scott Smith

"Haim's death was pretty lame." - Scott Smith

Special Memorial "Quotable"

"I was numb and I had lots of swollen lymph nodes, my heart was hurting and I had blood clots in my arm and leg." - Corey Haim

"Sometimes, breaking your neck isn't the best way to get a free Rascal." - Scott Smith

"The concept is that, there is no concept. Why don't you understand art?" - Scott Smith

"Sledding down stairs is exactly as much fun as it sounds." - Scott Smith

"If you figure out what it's about, let me know." - Scott Smith

"Ensenada de los Muertos, sounds nice." - Scott Smith

"Sometimes but.., not right now. Actually, never-mind. You get nothing." - Scott Smith

"Have you ever noticed how, in the grocery store, the way they line up the Navel Oranges, all of the navels are pointed so you can't see them? Like an orange's navel is still a navel and that somehow makes it obscene... I haven't either. That would be pretty weird though." - Scott Smith

"Jim-Jam on the Jig-a-bang!!! Remember that? I knew you would." - Scott Smith

"A lemur and a raccoon walk in to an elderly assisted care facility. The raccoon looks at the lemur and says, 'Holy shit! I must be high because, it totally sounds like I'm talking. I mean, I'm a raccoon, raccoons can't talk. And what the fuck am I doing hanging out with a lemur? I must have ate some bad trash.' Something.., Something.., Something.., I think they wind up getting a Grand Slam at Denny's or something. You had to be there." - Scott Smith

"It's a Piranha Piñata! The kid'll love it!" - Scott Smith

"That's never gonna work. Your pocket knife is metric." - Scott Smith

"A bird feeder also feeds your cats." - Scott Smith

"Put down that rake Jake. It's not fall it's spring!" - Scott Smith

"Seriously, the whole Moon." - Scott Smith

"Taking the water hose off of your washing machine doesn't make it a 'Dry Cleaner'. It does however, make you a Jackass." - Scott Smith

"I tried to swallow the moon once." - Scott Smith

"You want it, you've got it... You don't have it? Well, that could be a problem." - Scott Smith

"I had no idea cheetahs were such poor role models." - Scott Smith

"I need a boat with a boat on it! No time for questions!! Make it happen!!!" - Scott Smith

"...that's like using shortening instead of butter!" - Scott Smith

"Nobody gets it. That's kind of the point" - Scott Smith

"An alibi? Oh, I thought you were asking if I had an albino. Imagine my confusion. Yes.., I was hanging out with this pale guy all day." -Scott Smith

"For Lent, I'm giving up work for 40 days. That should be a stretch." -Scott Smith

"They need to invent a new word for the amount of lazy I feel like being today. I would do it but, you know, the laziness." -Scott Smith

"I apologize in advance for the time you're about to waste. You've been had." -Scott Smith

"Wowza-zowza!! Did you see the size of that onion ring? More like an, 'onion hoop'. Am I right?" -Scott Smith

"Do you guys need an easy one or something? Fine..." -Scott Smith

"I don't care who you are. Jesus drank his wine from a bowl. Why can't I? This Taco Bell sucks anyway!" -Scott Smith

"Due to tough economic times, The Church of Scott Smith will now be instituting a "Baptisms while they're in bed" program. It's similar to the Mormon Churches Baptisms for the Dead only, we don't wait until people are dead, only until they're asleep. (Dead people seem to have a hard time paying tithing.)
If you are one of the lucky ones chosen for this high spiritual honor, you will be notified via a New Member Package in the mail. Inside it you will find your new holy garments*, a certificate of membership, Your Paradoxical Blessing and 26 pre-addressed envelopes for you to send in your first years worth of bimonthly tithing payments**.



*Tasteful lingerie for the ladies/ Banana hammocks for the men

**9.75% of all before tax income must be paid, every 2 weeks after gaining membership in order to gain access to The VIP Lounge in The Good Heaven.^

^Upon completion of life and pending clearance of last tithing payment, a wristband will be attached to your soul after discorporation.+

+Wristbands do not guarantee access to the VIP lounge Access to the VIP lounge may be limited due to special events, lack of/presence of a star on ones belly, availability of space, etc..." -Scott Smith

"You don't like-a my gin, I don't like-a you face! Waa-paa!!!" -Scott Smith

"Has the world gone mad? That fucking bear cub shouldn't have been riding that tricycle anyhow! If somebody doesn't act soon, they'll be learning to work at Quizno's and there will be fur in everybody's sandwiches. Do you want fur in you sandwich? I didn't think so... It totally deserved to have me knock it over." - Scott Smith

"That's not what the Pirate on this bottle told me..." - Scott Smith

"Might as well face it.., You're addicted to drugs." - Scott Smith

"We'll burn that bridge when we get to it." - Scott Smith

"Good morning World. We meet again." - Scott Smith

"If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you.., while I'm sober at least." - Scott Smith

"Squeeeaaak.., Gulg, glug, glug.., Squeeaaak. " - Scott Smith

"I'd like to get my hands on one of those booze barrels the dogs wear in the Alps. I don't really know why. I guess that I have just always wanted to drink my booze out of a little spout. I bet it squeaks when you turn the handle and everything." - Scott Smith

"Here's your update bitches!" - Scott Smith

"I think this blog could use a Republican response." - Scott Smith

"Next stop: Bonerburg, USA. Population: You." - Scott Smith

"Man, monkeys got it made. Just sittin' around eating peanuts and flinging poo all day. Now that's the life." - Scott Smith

"It's about time this shit went international!!!" - Scott Smith

"If you get some pubes caught while zipping up, don't zip back down. Keep zipping up, they're gonna get pulled out either way. You might as well have you pants done up while you're crying about it." - Scott Smith

"It's not who you know as much as who you're willing to screw over." - Scott Smith

"Not right now, I've got to go conquer the globe first." - Scott Smith

" If I'm the only person you know that uses the word, "curses", it's because you don't hang out with enough supervillians. Not because I'm weird." - Scott Smith

"What in the fuck is that? Whatever it is, it looks like Ed Asner." - Scott Smith

"If it were that awesome, I would have pissed on it by now. That's just how I roll." - Scott Smith

"If you need a religion, you should join a new cult. It's like getting in on the ground floor of salvation." - Scott Smith

"Blarg!" - Scott Smith

"Maybe next time you won't try to catch it, Jackass. Well, you know, if it hadn't crushed you to death this time." - Scott Smith

"You put a monkey on a street corner with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other and, you've got yourself a gold mine. You put me there and, you've got a public intox ticket. Fuckin' double standards." - Scott Smith

"I was trying to find myself and, I wound up getting lost. Go figure." - Scott Smith

"Don't worry about me, save the hooch!" - Scott Smith

"That's a hot dog you jackass, a frank at best. A wiener is made of veal." - Scott Smith

"What part of 'conceptual' do you unimaginative people not understand?" - Scott Smith

"New fuck beer, too getting bored, drunk still more drinking." - Scott Smith

"Whattaya mean I can't urinate here? I'm doin' it ain't I? You think that badge makes you Captain of the Pee Patrol or something? At least let me zip up before you put me in your squad car." - Scott Smith

"Kill the plaid." - Scott Smith

"If you don't put your tongue on it, you'll never know if the power is on." - Scott Smith

"It's an Asian market. If they have a dried one, they'll have a baby dried one." - Scott Smith

"No, I did not pee in the hamper, somebody put the dirty clothes in the toilet." - Scott Smith

"Don't give a shit!" - Scott Smith

"Nothin' chases the blues away like nailin' a waitress." - Scott Smith

"Bootsy Twitters?" - Scott Smith

"100. That's like a half of a carton of cigarettes worth of quotes. What's a carton of smokes go for now a days? $50.00? We'll call it $50.00. So, you own me $25.00. Please pay up soon, I have bills to pay." - Scott Smith

"That's not how you carry a canoe dumbass. You've got it confused with a kayak." - Scott Smith

"We're gonna need a bigger beer." - Scott Smith

"Maybe you should update your face more often." - Scott Smith