"The thing about mental illness is that, it's all in your head." -Scott Smith

"I'm raising awareness of the need for people to stop raising awareness." -Scott Smith

"Exotic dancers? Sounds exotic." -Scott Smith

"So, does the nominee get to ride an elephant?" -Scott Smith

"What happens in Atlanta, stays in your pantsa." -Scott Smith

"Skanks, flakes and fakes; This is my life." -Scott Smith

'Push 'em up and smash 'em together! Not for me, for America!" -Scott Smith

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"What do you wants I should do with all my eggs? I only have the one basket." -Scott Smith

"You can be driven to drink but, you can't drink while you drive? What a fucking rip-off!" -Scott Smith

"When life gives you shit; paint it yellow and tell people you got lemons." -Scott Smith

"You don't need a machine to go to the future." -Scott Smith

"Your stupid face matches your dumb ass." -Scott Smith

"Jesus had a foot fetish." -Scott Smith

"You might as well take your own monkey to the zoo." -Scott Smith

"Rubber nipples will never replace the real thing." -Scott Smith

"If babies weren't such pussies, maybe people would quit taking their candy all the time." -Scott Smith

"I'm a little rough around the edges, that's why they invented KY." -Scott Smith

"Santorum is great for getting a Newt out of your Mitt." -Scott Smith

"If you see a red carpet, it means that you're too close to a ginger. Pull your pants up and run, while you still have a soul." -Scott Smith

"Why is there no Oscar for Best Rack?" -Scott Smith

"Looking before you leap ruins all of the spontaneity in life. It's best to just charge headlong in to every endeavor and not worry about the consequences. The less forethought exercised, the better." -Scott Smith

"Beware my Veto Torpedo!" -Scott Smith

"It's like a radio program that you read." -Scott Smith

"Ketchup should only be used on slow foods." -Scott Smith

"If you have to point it out, how important can it be?" -Scott Smith

"Fuck you Franco! Get an original idea!" -Scott Smith

"That's like cherries and almonds good!" -Scott Smith

"Home schooled kids always have perfect attendance." -Scott Smith

"If it weren't for porn, nobody would know how to spell 'amateur'." -Scott Smith

"You can't motorboat a woman's heart." -Scott Smith

"At least it wasn't Horshack. It should have been Barbarino. And we should all be thankful that "Boom Boom" is immortal." -Scott Smith

"I thought these films were supposed to be about a sundance." -Scott Smith

"Well, if she could keep my dick out of her mouth it would be a lot easier." -Scott Smith

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"If you believe the Bible, you'll believe anything." -Scott Smith

"Church would be more popular if they weren't so stingy with the wine and crackers." -Scott Smith

"Spaghetti is just Italian nachos." -Scott Smith

"You can't back up if you don't have reverse." -Scott Smith

"Nachos are just Mexican spaghetti." -Scott Smith

"If you make a monkey cook your dinner, you're gonna have a grease fire." -Scott Smith

"Let's see you go through a Shark Week without your baby seal skin hat." -Scott Smith

"I go through enough brooms trying to keep Sharia law from creeping in to my kitchen and you want to elect a Kardashian president." -Scott Smith

New Year's resolution

"Naw, don't worry about it. A million ain't as many as you think." -Scott Smith

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"I wouldn't say that I'm 'unsuccessful' so much as I'm not very successful." -Scott Smith

"If I needed your validation, I would park somewhere else." -Scott Smith

"Boots don't knock. Are you sure that they weren't some kind of clog?" -Scott Smith

"'Fucking the bitches' is an interest you probably shouldn't list on job applications." -Scott Smith

"I have a dark past and a bright future, my present is kinda overcast." -Scott Smith

"Meh, I'd be a lot more worried if her nipples tasted like pepperoni." -Scott Smith

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"Don't punch her in the cunt, that might be her kink." -Scott Smith

"Mono is just nature's way of telling you to, 'take it easy.'" -Scott Smith

"Reading books by their covers can save a ton of time." -Scott Smith

"Being bored is boring." -Scott Smith

"That time you did that thing... Yeah, you're a fucking idiot." -Scott Smith

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"Shameful self-promotion isn't as effective as the shameless kind." -Scott Smith

"When you're at your next woman's club meeting, tell the ladies that if they want guys to be pickier about the women we sleep with, hot women need to start losing their panties easier." -Scott Smith

"If you're tired of being called a 'quitter', just stop participating in things." -Scott Smith

"Women are like buses; If you don't pay attention, they'll run right over you." -Scott Smith

"If you didn't ask, that doesn't mean you can afford it." -Scott Smith

"I don't have a high opinion about myself, I just have a very low opinion about everybody else." -Scott Smith

"I like my women how I like my chairs.., easy." -Scott Smith

"I made up a new word, 'Xoox'. It's pronounced just like it's spelled and means exactly what you think it does.., pervert." -Scott Smith

"Don't eat peppers if you can't handle pooping them out." -Scott Smith

"Making out in black&white is so much cooler than in color." -Scott Smith

"Falling in love is great until you hit the ground." -Scott Smith

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"Don't use margarine when you have butter." -Scott Smith

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"Don't lick a gift porn with your mouth." -Scott Smith

"Remember when you could call dames 'broads' and there was nothin' the bitches could do about it? Those were the days." -Scott Smith

"I bet bakers fuck up every recipe that calls for 12 of anything." -Scott Smith

"The lime won't fit in the coconut. Maybe I should juice it first." -Scott Smith

"It's not a waste of money when you're giving it to me." -Scott Smith

"Tonight's forecast calls for you fucking off, with a 30% of eating shit." -Scott Smith

"Turns out that werewolf I saw last night was just your mom with her shirt off." -Scott Smith

"Vampires? More like Whaaa-mpires!" -Scott Smith

"Well, what if I eat the zombies' brains first? Then they won't have a chance to eat mine. Didn't think of that now, did you?" -Scott Smith

"No, no, no, no.., We need you to tear some sheets in to strips AND boil some water. Don't put the sheet strips in the boiling water, that's just ridiculous. Ain't you never birthed no baby?" -Scott Smith

"The tacos are great.., if you like horse meat." -Scott Smith

"Just because you can; doesn't mean you should stick your dick in it. You should stick it in there because you like it." -Scott Smith

"My P, your V. Lose the pants."- Scott Smith

"Rome wasn't built in a day but, I'm pretty sure most of the building went on during the day. So, fuck you." -Scott Smith

"Pooping behind the dumpster is fun until you get shit on your shoe." -Scott Smith

"He's been a 'get out of here' since we got here." -Scott Smith

"I like to keep it somewhere between poignant and pointless." -Scott Smith

"Blow jobs are like roses for men." -Scott Smith

"If worthless cunts were candy and nuts; my life would be a lot less complicated." -Scott Smith

"One time, I went to kick this guy in the shin, he moved and I accidentally kicked a midget in the face. I laughed and I laughed, the midget just rolled his eyes and bled 'til he fell over. Sometimes, I lay back and wonder if anyone actually called the ambulance. Good times, good times..." -Scott Smith

"Germans are so efficient they start October in the last week of September." -Scott Smith

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Mosy Bites

I found a great new site full of great stories and news; Mosy Bites. There are all kinds of of inspirational and offbeat anecdotes mixed with a little political commentary here and there. Mosy Bites is a great place to start off or finish up your day, or just pop in when you need a smile. I'll see you there.

"Quotable" Qulassic

""The clap doesn't sound anything like you think it should. If you are hearing any strange noises from you crotch; Play it safe, go see a doctor." - Scott Smith "

"The good thing about birthdays is that; You can show up to work as drunk as you want and, the worse thing your boss can do is fire you." -Scott Smith

"Never forget: September 11 is only 2 days before my birthday." -Scott Smith

"Not for all the clowns in Clowntown." -Scott Smith

"It takes a lot of bibles to start a bonfire." -Scott Smith